15. Um, ah, sort of, like, you know?

Um, yeh, pretty much, this episode is all about, like, filler words. I explain why we use them, when they become an issue and of course how to, like, get them under control.

Transcript

Um, so in this episode ah we're going to like talk about how like, I guess the way that we use filler words and sort of phrases, you know what I mean? Don't worry. Hopefully, it won't be as painful as that sentence. What are your filler words? Why do we use them? Are they even a problem? And if so, how do you rein them in?

I'm Sally Prosser and you're listening to That Voice Podcast. No matter who you are or what you do, your voice matters. And unless you've sworn a lifetime vow of silence, this is the podcast for you.

How do I stop saying, um, and ah, is one of the most common questions I get asked. There's almost a disproportionate focus on the use of um, and ah. It is an issue, in fact, it's a whole section of my digital course, how to release your true voice and genuinely connect. So if you'd like to find out more about this topic then you might want to check that out. It's like I always say, we should start with awareness if we want to change. So what's your filler? Tell me what's your filler?

Craig David Music: What's your flavour, tell me what's your flavour.

Haha exactly to that tune. So my filler words, which you might already guess are so, and you know. So and you know are the ones that I use a common ones are um and ah, like, like's a very common one. Like you know, there's also, Oh actually and what about literally that one really bugs me actually. People who are literally always saying that things are literal when they're not literal, literally. Uh, also there's phrases like, to be honest, uh, do you know what I mean? To be fair, stuff like that. So think about what yours are and we often pick it up from people that we hang around with. So friends and family will, you'll often have the same kinds of filler words and that's due to the chameleon effect. It's the part of our brain. We subconsciously copy other people's voice patterns to fit in with the group.

So what is the issue with these fillers? Well, I think they get a pretty bad rap and I'm certainly not the um and ah police, I always say fluency over fillers. You're much better off to ah like, you know, put a couple of fillers in there as you're speaking. Then to not use any fillers and have a style that is robotic. So always I say fluency over fillers and fillers do serve a purpose. It's one of the ways that we sound more polite and cushion a conversation. If I didn't know somebody very well and they were talking to me, I probably would say to them, um, Oh look, I just, I thought someone should let you know you've got a bit of lettuce in your teeth. I wouldn't just say you've got lettuce in your teeth unless it was a good friend or my sister or something where you've got that social license to be so direct.

So using fillers does make it sound more relaxed and conversational. And depending on the context, of course it can be a great thing, but using too many filler words can also bring some problems. Uh, there have been studies that show certain filler words used in a certain way can signal deception. So it sounds like you're lying, being dishonest or covering something up, not saying the truth. And we don't want that. The other thing is, is it can sound like we don't know what we're talking about. We've all been in situations where somebody is like, um in a meeting, you know, and they're saying, ah, so what I think about this issue is I'm feeling like um the direction we should go in. Um, like, um - and you can feel your frustration rising and you're like, Oh my gosh, just spit it out. So apart from just being perceived as incompetent and not knowing what you're talking about, it can also be quite infuriating for your audience if you use too many filler words.

And finally, filler words can really detract from your message. It can water down your message, especially if you're using the same filler words so often that that's all people hear. And again, most of us have been in this situation. You know when you're listening to an interview or someone giving a speech and you pick up on a filler word, it could be actually or literally or you know, or like, and then that is all you hear and it's very annoying isn't it? You're not taking in their message because your mind has just zoned in on that filler word. So why do we do it? Why do we use um and ah and all these other types of filler words? Well, the first reason is we don't know our content and when we don't know our content well enough it's very hard to speak fluently and avoid all the fillers.

If I asked you right now to describe your house to me, you're going to, I reckon use less filler words than if I asked you to describe, I don't know, the mating habits of Siberian tigers or something like that that you really don't know much about at all.

The second reason we use them, is because we don't have belief in our content. So we might actually know it, but we haven't got that inner voice onside that's telling us that we can do it and have belief. It's almost like we're not convinced ourselves. The words won't come out fluently and that's a focus in part one of my online course - how to love your nerves and glow with confidence. Getting that inner voice onside so you can have belief in what you're saying.

Now the third reason I believe that we use um and ahs and lots of fillers is because we let our voice chase our thoughts right around the room. We don't think before we speak. It's like they're just tumbling out with no filter at all. And this is why you might find yourself rambling - I call that The Pringles Effect. You know, once you pop, you stop. It just keeps going. It's the reason we might find ourselves saying half a sentence and then have no idea what we're going to say after that. It's also the reason that we might say something out loud and think, Oh gosh, did I actually say that out loud? Maybe I didn't want to do that. So we want to train ourselves to let the thought drop before the voice follows. Okay, so thought drop - voice follow.

Now in that process we need to be able to pause when the thought drops we need to pause before the voice can follow. And keeping in mind this is how we want things to be. We want our thoughts and our brain to be well ahead. That's where it should be. Our voice is more than happy to follow our mind. We don't need to chase it around trying to catch it. It's very good that our thoughts and our mind are out front where they should be. So in that time that it drops, we need to be able to take a pause.

And pausing is quite difficult - I call that the Interstellar Effect. I really like space movies, and if you remember in that movie, I think it's one hour on one planet equals seven hours on earth. And this happens with pausing. I think that when we pause, we're on planet seven years and everybody else is on planet one hour. And the reason I know that is if you've been in a position where you've forgot something when you're speaking, like had that absolute mental blank, no idea what to say.

You can feel your heart rate going and the blood rising and you're thinking, Oh my gosh, what are the words? Then you pick it up and you keep going and at the end you say to somebody in the audience, Oh my gosh, did you see when I forgot that that was terrible? And most of the time they just look at you blankly and say, look, I thought it was great. I did not even notice. I didn't even notice. We really like to fill the silences when we're speaking, but we don't have to.

We absolutely have permission to pause and think and if you can practice this pause, which doesn't have to be long, even a second or two can help you collect those thoughts before you deliver the line. But of course the best way to get rid of our filler words is to prepare our content and you can prepare more than you might think.

Just because it's not a proper prepared presentation in front of the team doesn't mean you can't prepare what you're going to say. So every interview, every meeting, you can absolutely practice out aloud what you're going to say to get your points across. And I have lots of different templates as well that I work with clients on that they can bring into meetings and bring into these scenarios where you think you're speaking off-the-cuff when really you've got these nice prepared templates that you're using. So um like, yeah, that's kind of it on fillers. If you'd like to learn more than as mentioned, check out module two of my Speak to be Heard program, how to release your true voice and genuinely connect.

And I go through it in more detail, but the three main things to do are one, make sure you prepare your content. Two, have belief in that content. And three, don't let your voice chase your thoughts around the room. Let the thought drop before the voice follows.

Next week I will have a mystery guest and not because it's some sort of fancy marketing, but actually because I haven't interviewed anybody yet, so I don't know who it's going to be, but I can promise it's going to be great. So set your alarms, it drops at 5:00 AM on Monday morning, Brisbane time.

Thanks for listening to That Voice Podcast to get in touch with me, head to www.sallyprosser.com.au